If there is a persisting pain in our back, we see a chiropractor. For a chronic cough, we call our family doctor. So why is it so difficult for us to turn to help when there is a persistent, nagging problem in our marriages?
There are many couples that could do with seeking out a marriage or family therapist.
Couples therapy has a track record of 70%-80% of the marriages that participate successfully staying together and moving past their problems. That number is nothing to sneeze at considering the divorce rate hovers around 50% year in and year out.
Marriage counseling is a big help because we can’t look at our own relationship problems objectively. We tend to wear blinders when it comes to our own behavior, which places the blame squarely on our spouse’s shoulders; but in a relationship it takes two to make and two to break.
When is counseling appropriate?
The short answer is before problems spiral out of control. William Doherty, a professor of family science at the University of Minnesota, claims in his research that the top marriage counseling complaints are “losing connection and high levels of conflict” and that distance is the number one cause of divorce. Eventually, conflict grows to overwhelming proportions and just can’t be resolved without help.
Michael McNulty, PhD and trainer at The Gottman Institute claims that the average time couples wait before seeking counseling help is six years after problems first pop up! Waiting too long damages your chances of success.
Couple’s Counseling –How it Works.
The main purpose of therapy is to learn the tools to deal with problems as they occur. There is a learning curve to relationships, which makes things difficult. McNulty goes on to say, “There are very basic things people can learn about friendship and conflict that make total sense, are easy to do, and can really help. And that is where counseling helps.”
Initially a marriage therapist will perform an assessment on the couple (either together or separately) to create a treatment game plan and give feedback on the situation. Most plans span the course of 12 sessions depending on the needs of the couple and the severity of the case.
It may take 4 or 5 visits, but around that point you should notice at least a small difference in your relationship communication skills, but even slow progress is still progress so this should be reassuring to see. Doherty can tell when couples therapy is working, “when you feel that there is some learning going on about the other partner. Maybe you are feeling more hope or seeing changes at home. If you were distant, maybe you feel closer. Maybe there is less conflict, or arguments are not so bad when you have them.” This is huge for couples who have struggled for years to make their relationships work.
Family Therapists – Finding the right fit.
Finding the right marriage therapist starts with asking for recommendations from friends, family, your family doctor, or clergy if you’re a member at a church. If any of those avenues lead to a dead end, some hospitals and social services offices can point you in the right direction. Look online to see if there is a chapter of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, The National Association of Social Workers, or the American Psychological Association near you. You want someone who specializes in marriage and family therapy and are Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists (LMFT).
You want someone that can maintain objectivity and not take sides. They should be able to keep control of the room and not allow a session to go off the rails and have the habits you need to be breaking take over. A good marriage therapist will let you know early on if he or she will be a good fit for your situation and will refer you to someone else if they are not.
Check with your insurance provider, as some plans don’t cover therapy unless a mental illness is being treated.
What if only one of you wants to participate?
It’s common for one partner to want to seek counseling while the other doesn’t. For whatever reason they will resist and find any excuse not to go. It may be that he or she feels like they may be made to be the bad guy or maybe they feel like it may not help and things will sort themselves out on their own. Do not give up and let this go. You obviously feel like this is important to the two of you so keep having the conversation.
If nothing seems to be working, just go alone. Bring up the conflict with your marriage therapist and get their take on how to approach the issue.
You have to put the work in.
Many divorced couples claim that counseling ruined their marriage and made things worse. The issue may have been their expectations of the process. Couple’s counseling isn’t a magic bullet. The counselor is available to you in a consultant capacity. It’s his or her job to facilitate communication and offer advice, not completely fix the issues; that is up to you.
Being open to put the therapist’s suggestions and consistently putting them to use is the only way to gain results. A session once a month then going back to your old behaviors when you get home won’t get the job done.
Of course, if one or both of you has already made up your mind to divorce then counseling won’t likely change your mind.
How long have you been in trouble?
If the average couple waits 6 years from the onset of their problems to seek counseling, then the odds of success are not in their favor. The sooner you seek help and tackle your problems the higher your chances of success.
By getting to the issues early, your love and respect for each other hasn’t had the chance to deteriorate yet, you are more likely to be open to suggestions, and you probably haven’t contemplated divorce.
That’s not to say a couple with long-term problems doesn’t have a chance, they do, but they have to open themselves up to the possibility of change. The longer you wait the more difficult reconciliation may be, but it’s not impossible. Just be prepared for both of you to put in significantly more work than expected.
Sylvia Smith is a relationship expert with years of experience in training and helping couples in therapy. Her mission is to provide inspiration, support and empowerment to everyone on their journey to a great marriage. She is currently associated with Marriage.com, a reliable resource assisting millions of couples to resolve their marital issues. She holds a Master’s Degree in Arts (Clinical Psychology with an Emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy). Follow her on Twitter and Google+.
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